


Apologize

by remanth



Series: Thoughts and Reflections [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, apologize, fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 10:11:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remanth/pseuds/remanth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas's thoughts on opening Purgatory and it's consequences</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apologize

I have to apologize. I know the words, know their meanings in several different languages. I could say I was sorry until I was blue in the face, to use a human colloquialism that I have never actually seen put into action. But words are meaningless compared to the actions that spawned the need for them.

What I have done is unforgivable, much as it seemed necessary at the time. I wanted to avoid entangling my friend in the battle again, wanted to let him enjoy the peace and rest he had earned. It was one day I was watching him, trying to decide if I should involve him again, that I was ensnared by silver-tongued words.

I suppose even angels are not above being persuaded by a demon. Especially when that demon's interests coincide with one's own. I wanted him out of the fight and this deal would allow me to give him that. How could I have known that exercising free will, a gift I understand now why it was denied us, I made the worst choice I could have made?

When I lived as Emmanuel, I knew peace of a sort. I helped where I could, healing those who came to me for help. Even with having no memory before the time I was found wandering naked near a lake, I knew I had to help others, to atone for something horrible. And then he showed up on my doorstep, killing a demon who was threatening the woman who had taken me in. I could see that he knew me and I knew him, though I didn't know how. And as soon as our eyes met, I could feel the connection, the bond between us.

I have made mistakes, something I never thought possible. Not listening to those who have become family was the worst of them. Having a chance to fix things and not recognizing it, seeing the pain in his eyes when we went our separate ways, that hurts now. The hallucinations I took from the other, the one I hurt by breaking his wall, use that to torment me most often. I've lost count of the times I relived that last argument, lost count of all the different ways it could have ended.

Even now, after a... not a reconciliation but an understanding of sorts, we fight to correct the mistakes I have made. Fighting was something I had hoped never to do again, as the hallucinations showed me I made an error every time I did. But I could not leave him to deal with Leviathan alone. And even after all this time, here at the end, I was able to apologize with a look. We spoke volumes just with our eyes and it endeared The Righteous Man to me even more.

I don't believe I will live through this coming confrontation. I will do everything in power to ensure success, to ensure that we kill Leviathan. And I will die to ensure that he lives long enough to have the peace I shattered. That will be my apology, being a distraction to allow him time.


End file.
